


I just want you to know who I am

by Comedia



Series: Shut up and dance [2]
Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Affairs, Cheating, M/M, Mentions of Steve/Sharon, Tony knows better, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings, but he also can't resist, mentions of past Tony/Pepper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 15:56:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7940470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Comedia/pseuds/Comedia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Believe it or not; Tony doesn't make a habit of hooking up with childhood heroes. He's not the kind of guy who obsessively collects merchandise and literal items owned by his idol, and then stalks that person until they sleep with him. No, all of this is quite accidental and he hopes Steve knows that this isn't Tony's childhood crush bubbling to the surface, nor a shallow game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I just want you to know who I am

**Author's Note:**

> And the cheating story became a series. Didn't really plan this, but for some damn reason I fell in love with writing about this Tony and Steve. So yeah, part of a series with [When everything's meant to be broken](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6320071) as the first part, but this can be read as a stand-alone thing, me thinks.

Tony doesn't have the best track record when it comes to relationships. Most people - including him - assumed that he'd end up alone. Or with Pepper. Because once they actually became a thing, it was either doomed from the beginning, or he was going to stick around for the rest of his life. Why would he let go once he hooked up with someone who could imagine a future with him, you know?

And the rest of their life... that's the plan, right? That's how you define a good relationship. The worth of a relationship is determined by its duration. The longer you put up with each other, the greater success. Or perhaps that's not what _he_ thinks. But it's what he's been told. Short relationships are no good, and god forbid one night stands. Flirting is acceptable, but only if it doesn't lead to more. With years of media portraying him as some kind of out of control playboy - with one esteemed newspaper comparing him to _Zeus_ out of all mythological creatures (and wouldn't that be extra awkward if Thor reveals that the entire Greek pantheon exists out there in space somewhere) - he felt at peace knowing that Pepper was in it for the long run. Except she wasn't, not really, and neither was he.  
  
As they drifted apart he was overwhelmed by anxiety. Blaming himself. Blaming her. Cursing how the one thing that was supposed to work, didn't. It wasn't particularly bitter or antagonistic. They just slowly realized that maybe living together wasn't their thing. And neither was rings and family and intimacy at all. The break up took a while, is still kind of ongoing half a year later, but after the first months of distance, he slowly got his best friend back. And he would trade lover-Pepper for friend-Pepper any day.  
  
If he's to be honest with himself (and he very rarely is); he's not sure if the _thing_ with Steve starts before or after his breakup with Pepper. But one thing is for certain, Pepper moving out certainly didn't slow down his progress with Steve. Because even though this was what both he and Pepper wanted, Tony spends a lot of time on his own, submerging himself in the workshop, in organizational tasks, sipping bottles of scotch rather than glasses, and following Steve around like a lost puppy. And sure, he's a goddamn suave puppy with a shiteating grin and knowing glances - if there's any game he knows how to play it's this - but he's also so out of his depth that he leaves every encounter feeling like he's drowning. Because Steve clearly wants him too. Captain America wants Iron Man. No, actually, he wants _Tony_. Iron Tony. Tony Man. And believe it or not; Tony doesn't make a habit of hooking up with childhood heroes. He's not the kind of guy who obsessively collects merchandise and literal items owned by his idol, and then stalks that person until they sleep with him. No, all of this is quite accidental and he hopes Steve knows that this isn't Tony's childhood crush bubbling to the surface, nor a shallow game.  
  
So after the night with Steve, Pepper is the first one he calls. Obviously. He doesn't even think about how it might be awkward. Partly because he doesn't have to; she does it for him, as always. "So you're going to start giving me the details of your post-breakup hookups now?"  
  
He hesitates. Takes a sip of his fifth cup of coffee; and that's five cups since he woke up half an hour ago. "Yes."  
  
Pepper snorts in reply. "In that case we should have this conversation face to face. You could _at least_ grant me a good view of your facial expressions while you tell this tale."  
  
She sounds a bit too gleeful, but he agrees nonetheless. All he needs is ten minutes to book a table at a secluded little place near her new apartment, order a car for her, spray on some cologne to hide the fact that he very much just woke up and still smells of Steve. A hat hides the fuck hair. And then he's out the door.  
  
Pepper orders some herbal tea that he's never heard of - except she's probably told him about it and he's a disgusting piece of shit for not remembering. He orders his sixth coffee for the day, and makes it a latte. A huge cup filled to the brim of foamy milk is almost enough to convince him that he's not on the brink of an early grave.  
  
She looks great. Dressed in a blue pantsuit, soft makeup, a bright smile on her lips. When they first moved in together she often wore this look. He didn't realize until after they broke up how much she had, well, _faded_. Part of him is happy she's back to being good ol' Pepper. Another part of him hates himself furiously for dragging her down in the first place. More than anything there's a bubbling anxiety just beneath the surface that he's doing everything in his power to suppress; the question of whether he'd do the same to Steve if they became an item. Partners, and not in a business sense. _Lovers_. Does Tony smother everything he loves? Is that it? What will...?  
  
Pepper breaks through his downward spiral by giving him a thorough look and a sly smile. "So, Steve Rogers out of all people. This must be quite a story."  
  
He nods in agreement. Decides to skip the months of flirting and foreplay and instead go straight to last night. How they started talking at the end of the workday, as they usually do, and Steve lingered as their small talk came to an end, trying to prolong the goodbye. How he blurted out the invitation to go "to a show", his expression shocked but his eyes dark as he stared at Tony's lips while awaiting a reply. Poor kid has no poker face whatsoever. Faced with desire like that, how could anyone possibly resist him?

  
And perhaps Tony goes into a bit too much detail, but he just can't keep it to himself. He needs to say it out loud, because saying it out loud makes it real.  
  
He has to hide behind his coffee cup as he describes being at the show with Steve. How there was no hesitation. How both of them just _knew_. How there was no gentle first kiss, but rather, you know, devastating hunger. Let’s just say Tony can cross “ravished by Captain America” off his bucket list.  
  
He can still feel it now. The exhilaration of having Steve pinned against a wall in that dark basement. Their breaths bitter with scotch, uneven with desire. The heavy bass drowning out their voices. How he couldn't even feel his own pulse. For a moment he felt laid bare; stripped of the person people think he is.

And the way Captain Goddamn America melted beneath his touch; if Tony’s to be honest, there’s a certain rush of power to that.  
  
As he's telling her about them saying goodbye outside his place, she interrupts him.  
  
"Tony, this is... I mean, I'm happy for you, I think. But you're on really thin ice here. If you escalate this without knowing what kind of role he wants you to have in his life..."  
  
He barks out a laugh that's somewhere between bitter and desperate. Pepper falls silent and looks at him for a moment. Then she gasps. "Oh Tony, you already escalated it, didn't you?"  
  
"To be honest, I'm not sure who took the initiative, it was... intense. So no, the night didn't end when we said goodbye. _Tried_ to say goodbye.” He trails off, nonchalantly waving his hands in the air, perhaps hoping to make all of this a little less serious.

He doesn’t go into as much detail when telling her about how Steve spent the night. But he can’t help but mention some of the juicy stuff. How Steve can go from in charge to naïve boy scout in seconds. How his eyes flutter shut just so, and how his voice shakes Tony to the core.

Pepper takes it all in. She doesn’t seem too disturbed over the situation. It’s like they’re slowly but steadily returning to a friendship dynamic where it’s a-ok to share raunchy stories and call each-other rude nicknames.  
  
"My god Tony. This is, I mean, you know he isn't in an open relationship or anything like that, this is..." She shakes her head and gaze into her coffee cup for a moment. There's a thin smile on her lips, but her eyes are, well, not as 'serious' as they are 'freaking the fuck out'. "Does Sharon know?" And before he can say anything, she looks at him again. Steady gaze, unblinking. "Sharon should know."  
  
"I know that she should know, _Pepper_ ". He lingers on her name, rolling the _RRR_ , being silly old Tony, hoping to diffuse the conversation. "But that's up to him, right? I can't go out with her and buy her the most expensive drink in the world - but holy hell does she deserve it - and then sit her down and tell her I'm bumping uglies with her hubby. That's not how this works. I can't do that."  
  
"Is that what you're doing. Just 'bumping uglies with her hubby'?" Pepper doesn't sound sarcastic or angry. If anything she sounds... worried. The question floors Tony, even though he brought her here to ask the tough questions.  
  
“I'd say that's a worst case scenario. It's been months, so hopefully this is, you know, _more_...”  
  
As he trails off she seems slightly taken aback. “Months? How long has this been going on Tony?”

And he knows what she’s thinking. Did it start while he was still with her? Hell, did it start before he got together with her? Honestly, he doesn’t know for sure.  
  
“ _I don’t know._ ” And ooops, there he goes again, slightly losing the control of his voice. “I honestly don’t. It's… I'm _sorry_ Pepper, but it's _Steve_.”  
  
He says the name like it explains everything. Like it describes Steve coming to his workshop at 4AM with a glass of warm milk, and Tony calling him grandpa and then trying to hide how me melts a little on the inside as he drinks it.  
Like it describes Captain America staring at him through an entire three hour meeting and then _honest to god_ blushing when Tony cocks an eyebrow in question.  
Like it tells her of Steve coming to find him after a battle. And it's not like Steve doesn't care about the people or the others because Steve cares about everything, but more importantly Steve cares about _him_. Tony opening his helmet and Steve looking him over with a breathless "you alright?"

And god, he only now realized… the way Steve looked at him last night, he’s seen that look before. He’s heard that voice. Hitched, longing, desperate. For months – years? – he’s blamed it on their stressful job. He’s convinced himself that he’s imagining it. Their every interaction has been laced with tension for longer than he can remember. No wonder last night was so charged.  
  
"Pepper, he's..." _passionate, overwhelming, the best I ever had_ , "incredible. I don't know what he was up to before Sharon snatched him up, but he knows his stuff."  
  
"Maybe you brought it out in him." She winks.  
  
"Okay, no, I do not approve of that. That's a party foul." He slurps his coffee and keeps steady eye contact with her for at least fifteen seconds. "I mean seriously Pepper, don't be crude. And also don't encourage this. It's... probably not a good idea?" He wants to keep it straight to the point. Wants her to convince him to end this. But he can't hide the hopefulness in his voice, can't help but make it a vague question rather than a firm statement.  
  
She's quiet for a long time. Far too long in his opinion. In fact he's about to start slurping his coffee again when she sighs deeply. "I honestly don't know Tony. I should tell you to end it but I don't think I want to. You should see the look on your face when you talk about him, it's like… I don't think you can say his name without smiling."

“You’re doing this all wrong, Pepper. You’re supposed to tell me to get my head out of my ass and stop this before it’s too late.” He tries to sound as accusatory as possible to hide how off balance he is. The reason Iron Man wears armour is because Tony Stark is the most fragile, most emotional mess is the entire world. Knowing that he’s quite noticeably head-over-heels for Steve is beyond terrifying.

“I know this is scary, Tony. I get it. But I think you should… go for it.” She gives him a small, intimate smile. “Obviously, you shouldn’t let him string you along, or hide this from Sharon forever, but I think… I think you shouldn’t shy away either. Talk to him. Be open and honest. You’ll figure something out.”

“’String me along’? You think he’d do that?” He tries to sound sarcastic, but the fear is all too obvious in his voice. After all, it's _Steve_ they're talking about. He hadn't even considered such a... unsympathetic scenario.

“I honestly don’t know. I think Steve seems like the sweetest, most idealistic and honest person ever. I mean, except for this certain situation. Cheating isn’t exactly honest. But you’re my best friend. And... you know what I mean.”

And finally, he feels a bit at ease. A bit calmed down. “Are you saying you’ll give Captain America a ‘hurt Tony and I’ll destroy you’ speech?”

She raises an eyebrow in response and looks absolutely wicked. “Count on it.”

☆ﾟ. * ･ ｡ﾟ

Life goes on, and it’s surprisingly _normal_. They fall back into the same dance. Steve coming by the workshop, sitting close – but not close enough to touch – watching him work and talking about everything and nothing. Stolen glances during meetings. Always coming to find each-other after battle, breathless and sweaty and oh god that brings back images Tony should not be thinking about. At least not while standing among death and destruction and with a crowd watching them.

More than once Steve comes to find him at the end of a workday. Always bashful, always blushing, always determined eyes but a wavering voice. Tony expects a date, a kiss, to be dragged into the nearest broom closet for some hanky-panky. But nothing happens. After stuttering, pausing, and then finally saying something non-committal, they always part ways with a simple good bye.

Next time Steve approaches him, Tony is prepared. He’s done research on bands, believe it or not. Going through the names and genres made him feel tired and old. It took most of the day googling different acts and actually finding music he could put up with for more than ten minutes. Once he’s done he waits for Steve, and like clockwork he comes to find Tony in the evening.

“A really nice indie act is playing at a bar not far from here. I’ve heard they’re good… folk dubstep? Anyway, wanna join me? I’m heading there now.” He speaks before Steve has a chance, not sure if he makes any sense, but desperate to catch Steve before he has the chance to head off.

For a moment there’s silence. Tony licks his lips in nervous anticipation, and Steve’s gaze is instantly drawn to the movement. His heartbeats are deafening. One beat, two beats, and then… Steve just kind of melts. His body noticeably relaxes, and he gives Tony a wide, warm smile. “I’d love to.”

They walk to the club in complete silence. The evening air is chilling, but for each step the temperature is rising. Tony can feel his breaths deepen, shivers run down his spine. Perhaps he’s expecting too much. Perhaps last time was a one-time occurrence.

They’ve only just entered the club when Steve disappears from his side. Tony barely has the chance to panic, and then Steve returns with two glasses of golden brown liquid. Tony doesn’t bother to ask what it is. He throws it back in one gulp, feeling Steve’s eyes on him the entire time. Once he looks up to meet that scorching gaze whatever worries he was holding in his heart fall away.

Steve pulls him close, one heartbeat, two beats, and he smiles against Tony’s lips before kissing him. And while Steve may have taken the initiative, Tony quickly takes charge of the kiss. He places a hand beneath Steve’s chin and tilts his head just so, and just like that it all comes back to him. How to make him moan, how to trail kisses along Steve’s neck to have him grip at the back of Tony’s shirt.

The music is drowning out everything. The other people, his heartbeat, his faltering voice… right now his entire world, his entire universe, is the unrelenting bass and Steve, Steve, _Steve_.

It’s not exactly “dancing”. More than anything they kind of crash together, holding on tightly to make up for the days spent apart. Steve’s breath is heavy on his neck, making Tony feel weak at the knees.

“I’ve missed this.” Steve’s voice is like a purr, vibrating against his ear, his neck, sending shivers throughout his entire body.

“I know.” Out of all the people he could quote, Tony somehow ends up with Han Solo.

The night goes on, and they somehow manage to be anti-social in a club. Two lone shadows in a corner, only with eyes for each other. It’s at times like this that Tony remembers that, technically, he has more life experience than Steve. No matter how much he jokes about Steve being an old man, it’s not entirely true. A sickly kid thrust into war; burdened with responsibility; fighting for others until his very last breath before the ice cold sea swallowed him, body and soul. No wonder Steve enjoys going to this kind of place to loose himself. No wonder his eyes burn bright with excitement when he's with Tony. No wonder he doesn’t shy away from Tony’s searching hands beneath his shirt – it’s all a "first" to him. New and exciting and something he couldn’t do, or couldn’t allow himself, when he was truly young. And while that’s quite a sad thought, Tony also finds it absolutely exhilarating in an “I can show you the world” kind of way.

☆ﾟ. * ･ ｡ﾟ

As they leave the club the night sky embraces them softly, just on the edge of dawn. They’re untangled, calm. Within reach, but not touching. And Tony can’t bear this. Cannot contain this in smokey basements. Cannot leave it to simply be washed down with whiskey and blacked-out in the morning. Steve is blushed, his hair wild and his eyes blown wide, but he’s stuttering, and Tony knows this all too well. So he acts quickly.

“Yeah, no, we’re not doing the good bye thing.” And Steve doesn’t have time to reply before Tony’s dragged him into the nearest doorway. He’s afraid that he’s being too intense. The rules outside the club seems to be quite different from what they do on the dance floor. But Steve’s eyes are dark as he crowds Tony against the door, leaning down to taste his lips.

He’ll never tire of the way Steve will step up and be so dominant, so demanding, only to soften beneath Tony’s touch the next moment and surrender all control. The duality is what makes him dangerous. It’s what makes him exciting.

With his lips on Steve’s neck, placing fluttering pecks over and over on his pulse point, Tony distractedly searches for his phone with one hand. He’s got a one-click system for calling Happy, and it’s perfect for moments like this. Especially since his car has quite a thick screen separating the front and the back seat.

Once he knows the car is on its way he bites at Steve’s skin lightly. Tony revels in hearing how Steve tries to suppress a moan, only to spectacularly fail.

The car arrives much too fast and not nearly quick enough. Tony throws a door open, and he figures he should maybe explain this to Happy – or at least tell him that this is a hush-hush thing – but he’s only glanced in Happy’s direction and noticed his surprised expression when he’s pulled into the car by a very eager Captain Rogers.

The door is slammed shut, and the car is barely in motion before Steve is straddling him, and well, this is… different. New. In a very, very good way. It’s the first time they’re together in a fairly well-lit place.

Tony places his hands on Steve’s hips, hooking his fingers through the belt loops of his pants, not really doing anything. He’s too distracted to take this further. To guide Steve. To deepen it. For a moment he needs to take it in. The city lights rushing by, caressing Steve’s skin, highlighting his features, the sweat still on his forehead, his chest…

As Tony leans forward it’s a slow, calculated movement. His beard brushes against Steve’s skin, and the touch is enough to be met with a hitched breath. He places a soft, lingering kiss slightly above Steve’s heart, and while he’s not really sure what it’s meant to symbolize, he shivers. Despite what they've already shared, this feels intimate. Forbidden.

Tony’s lips taste of salt.

“God Tony, I can’t…” Steves trails off, for a second his expression changes with something like doubt ghosting across his features. It’s interrupted by a shiver and a soft sigh, and suddenly he’s grinding against Tony. It’s a light but unashamed pressure, and Tony’s grip on his hips harden. He doesn’t want to take all control from him, wants Steve to be able to stop this if he wants to – needs to – but it’s a fleeting thought that’s washed away the second Steve captures his lips once again.

Whoever called it dry-humping must’ve been the most unimaginative person to ever live. This is anything but dry. Anything but tame. If he’s not careful, he’ll completely lose himself in Steve. In the way he moves, not quite riding Tony, yet providing him enough friction to come undone. The way he closes his eyes, leaning back slightly as he loses himself in pleasure. How he instantly closes the distance between them afterward, seemingly unable to be apart for more than seconds at a time.

It may be a first for Steve, but Tony would be lying if he didn’t admit that this is uncharted territory for him as well. In fact, it’s so new that he feels like he’s on the brink of an endless void. Like he could fall head over heels any second now.

Perhaps he’s already fallen, and his brain is still trying to catch up.

“A bit warm in here.” Steve’s voice is heady and a bit broken. Breathless with a wide smile. He reaches to open one of the car windows slightly, perhaps hoping to get the fog off the windows. Tony simply watches him, trying not to gasp when Steve starts unbuttoning his shirt.

Steve is as efficient as ever, biting his lower lip – and that has to be intentional, because both the press and Tony sure as hell would’ve noticed if Captain America had a tendency to innocently bite his lip whenever he tried to keep his focus – as he concentrates on the task. Once the final button is undone he looks up and honest-to-god winks at Tony. It’s not fair. Tony’s an old man, and he’s had heart failures for less.

They are silent, and Steve just kind of relaxes where he’s still positioned on Tony’s lap. It can’t be comfortable, for a myriad of reasons, but Steve looks like there’s no place he’d rather be. He sighs deeply while glancing out the car window, clearly enjoying the cold air seeping in.

Tony clears his throat, not trusting himself to just… speak. It captures Steve’s attention, and this is it. This is the moment he risks breaking the spell for the night. Perhaps forever. He averts his eyes before he asks the question.

“Will you stay the night?”

Steve’s silence is enough for him to look up instantly. To try to see how much he’s fucked up on a scale from zero to infinity. But while Steve’s smile has faltered, he seems torn rather than disinterested.

“I really need you to… I’d really appreciate it if you stayed.”

It’s not that he’s ashamed, nor afraid of seeming too “needy”. Tony corrects himself because he doesn’t want to pressure Steve. Because he still has no idea what’s going on behind those blue eyes, and he doesn’t want to overload him with stress. Or guilt. Or whatever else is troubling America’s sweetheart. No, scrap that. Tony’s sweetheart. _Definitely_ scrap that. If Steve doesn’t say something soon, Tony’s mind will send him into a hyperactive melt-down of epic proportions.

“I… want to. But I…”

This time Steve averts his eyes, hurt and guilt and hope in written all across his features. In the way he nervously runs a hand through his hair again and again and again.

“Steve, we don’t have to…” Tony reaches out, hesitant at first, but eventually placing his hand beneath Steve’s chin, encouraging him to look up and meet his eyes. “I don’t want more of this. Or well, that’s not true at all, I want this _so much_ , but it’s not important right now. I think it would be good if we talked. Before this gets even more tangled. And trust me, it will get tangled. Because I’m not in this to fool around or for shits and giggles. So I need to know what happens next, before this blows up in your face or my face or both our faces, and I need to stop talking because I’ll make this sexual and…” he trails off, waving his hands around, not sure what kind of gestures he’s attempting to make.

It’s quiet. Too quiet. If it wasn’t for how they just took a U-turn Tony would assume the car had stopped moving. But then he notices how Steve’s not only staring at him in a breathless kind of way – big guy seems to have actually stopped breathing.

“Steve?” Tony’s trying not to panic, but how on earth can you be cool when your, well, lover, randomly stops breathing? “Hey, Steve. Breathing is a good thing to do. You should try it.”

And Steve stares directly at him. Blue eyes so brilliant it’s hard to see if he’s on the edge of crying, or just… moved. Without any heads-up, Steve bursts out laughing. He’s a mess of giggles and coughs, leaning down to rest his head on Tony’s shoulder to still his shaking.

Eventually he attempts to sit up straight. There are tears staining his cheeks, and if it wasn’t for how his smile is brighter than a thousand suns, Tony definitely would’ve been worried. Now he steadily meets Steve’s gaze, awaiting whatever answers he might have, all the while hoping; trusting; begging that this won’t break him.

“I wasn’t sure you were serious about this Tony. This is…” Steve’s voice is husky, shy. He falters for a moment as he glances at Tony’s lips, only to look back up the next second, his gaze steady. Determined.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes I write short things on [tumblr](http://comediakaidanovsky.tumblr.com/) as well (but mostly I just cry about fictional characters).


End file.
